Apt #14, MHA, Tuesday Morning

[hasaknightjob]

The children had been sent back to their real parents, safe and sound. After which Steven and Llewellyn went back home to clean up the detritus that had accumulated over a three day weekend with little ones. Amazing how much of it there could be considering there were no toys or other child specific things. But snacks, reading books, drawing pictures, playing tag, building a blanket fort - it all added up.

There'd been no real plans for the day. Normally Steven and Llewellyn did their own things on Mondays, but the children had taken priority. Likewise normally Tuesday was Marc's day, with him getting up early to go to the gym. But once the children were gone Steven felt an ache at their lack that, while no where near the pain Marc would have felt at being around their presence, was still enough that Steven asked Llewellyn to stay the night and be there in the morning.

Which was why come Tuesday morning Steven was in bed with his beau, awake far earlier than he usually was but that was also because he'd slept very little to begin with thanks to all the thoughts and feelings running through him.

Llewellyn hadn't gotten much sleep either. Whether from his own emotions about having children over the weekend or from Steven not getting much rest Steven wasn't sure. Regardless they'd both been quiet, most likely both with the urge to let the other rest even if they couldn't.

Thus there was Steven Tuesday morning, staring up at the ceiling again, and debating if he should risk getting up and putting the kettle on for tea or if he should keep still on the odd chance Llewellyn wasn't awake right now.

[for the beau]

Comments

[hasaknightjob]

Steven's smile turned bittersweet. "I like children. They're curious and learning about everything. I don't mean facts and figures. I mean, yeah, facts and figures. But about themselves. The world. People. That's amazing, isn't it?"

[pocketpretzels]

Watts nodded. "Their enthusiasm and energy seemed never-ending," he recalled with a slight smile. "Well," he said, also recalling how they'd needed to be carried home after the walk in the Preserve on Saturday. "Nearly never-ending."

[hasaknightjob]

"They do crash, don't they?" Steven said, with a brief fond smile of his own. "I'm glad they were so generally happy. Means things must be going well at home. They feel loved. Safe."

[pocketpretzels]

"They've got four adults looking out for them, three of whom have powers bestowed upon them by a god," Watts pointed out. "That certainly seems safe to me."

Well, except for maybe the part where it also could make them targets, but shhhh.

[hasaknightjob]

"That, yeah," Steven agreed. It was his turn to reach over and brush a lock of hair behind Llewellyn's ear. "But knowing that they have a home. That's part of feeling safe as well. Not being afraid of being alone in the dark, yeah?"

[pocketpretzels]

Well, that also tied in to having adults around who were invested in their well-being, didn't it?

He nodded, even as he grimaced a little at the reminder that his own childhood had been anything but safe. The only proof he had that he had once been loved was in a memory of a song.

[hasaknightjob]

"Sorry," Steven said as he saw Llewellyn's reaction. "I only meant - it must be good for them. That their version of you knows what it's like to be where they were. Not literally, maybe. But to wonder about family. Home. Worry that you might lose it again."

[pocketpretzels]

"Probably a bigger concern for Francis than Evelyn," Watts acknowledged. "But perhaps his memories of the orphanage will fade with time and experience."

[hasaknightjob]

"Hopefully," Steven said. "But - "

He looked at Llewellyn, uncertain if he should say what he was thinking. Then he figured Llewellyn knew him well enough to know if he was holding back. "It's not only having a deal with a god that keeps someone safe. That version of you. Just being a version of you. That matters too, to a child. I think. Understanding. Love. It's important."

[pocketpretzels]

Watts nodded. “I didn’t mean to discount what I- or some version of me- contributed,” he said. “I only wished to point out that’s an advantage that is unique to them.”

[hasaknightjob]

"Having you is still an advantage," Steven said. He gave a little smile. "At least I think so. You are to me."

[pocketpretzels]

“I like that you think so,” Watts said fondly.

[hasaknightjob]

"I do." Steven put his tea on his nightstand, then leaned over to rest his head on Llewellyn's shoulder, slipping one arm through Llewellyn's as he did. He closed his eyes and tried to take comfort from just being near him.

[pocketpretzels]

Watts tugged Steven closer, even if ‘closer’ was mere inches, and placed a soft kiss atop his head. “I’m here, darling. Not going anywhere.”

[hasaknightjob]

Steven had no objection to moving closer. "I'm sorry. I know it's not a future you want."

[pocketpretzels]

"Whyever would you be sorry?" Watts asked, puzzled. "Children are- I never pictured myself having any, it's true, and I don't think- my life does not lack joy or fulfillment because of this." It had certainly lacked joy for a while there, but that had nothing to do with having children.

"But," he continued, "there is some version of me out there that, in the future, clearly finds it worthwhile. And I- I don't find myself displeased with the notion."

He was silent for a moment, and then: "Is it still something you want?" he asked gently.

[hasaknightjob]

"I never stopped," Steven said, his own voice quiet as though he didn't want to admit this even to himself. "But I can't, and that's the bugger of it. It's only worked out that you never wanted them so you've not lost something by being with me."

Steven grimaced. "I've only lost something being myself."

[pocketpretzels]

"Oh, my darling," Watts said sympathetically. "I wish I could heal that hurt for you."

[hasaknightjob]

"You help." Steven looked up at him. "You do. Honest. Not in spite of, yeah? I'm not a consolation prize. I'm something wonderful as I am. That helps, I promise it does."

Didn't erase this particular hurt, but did help ease it.

[pocketpretzels]

"Wonderful, sweet, amazing... I could go on," Watts said. "I love you, and wish to build a life of that aforementioned joy and fulfillment with you. It only makes my heart ache that something would still be missing for you in that life."

[hasaknightjob]

"But that's nothing to do with you, you do understand that, right?" Steven asked, to be sure. "You're not an in spite of either. You're wonderful. I didn't even know I could have this - "

Steven gestured to indicate their entire situation, including how they were sat in bed with Llewellyn's cat elsewhere in the flat.

" - before you came along." Steven sighed. "It's only I'm still getting used to things. I know it's nearly a year now but sometimes things happen and - and it hurts. The reminder."

[pocketpretzels]

"I am familiar with that," Watts said. "The hurt."

After all, Steven had been very patient for the last month and a half as Watts worked to regain his equilibrium following a painful reminder of his own.

"You had a little glimpse of what it might be like, and then it- they- were gone again," Watts said quietly.

Perhaps Raphael was capable of reading narrative, because at that moment he slipped through the open door and leapt up on to the bed, padding over towards Steven and Watts.

[hasaknightjob]

Perhaps Raphael was good at reading people? Seeing him did coax a small smile out of Steven. Steven reached out a hand to coax the cat to come closer. "Hello there. Have a nice breakfast, did you?"

To Llewellyn, Steven nodded. "Yeah. I mean - I know it's only a weekend. All the fun bits. None of the worrying about them catching colds, or dealing with them throwing wobblers, or all the parts that make it so hard. But it's the good bits that balance it out, isn't it? Reminds you the hard bits are worth getting through to the other side? I'm glad we met them, I am. I don't regret the weekend. I'm even happy for that version of me."

Steven deflated, his shoulders slumping. "It still hurts."

[pocketpretzels]

Raphael plopped himself down within Steven's reach. You know. Just in case there needed to be pets happening.

"I know, darling," Watts said, rubbing small circles across Steven's back. "I know." And he hated that it was a hurt he could not do anything to fix.

[hasaknightjob]

Therapeutic pets did need to be happening. Steven gave Raphael gentle skritches around his ears.

"Year ago I didn't know who I was," Steven said. Then he grimaced. "Or about a year. The timeline is all muddled around then. Obvious reasons. Didn't really settle down again until we moved here. But April. Early May. I know that much."