hasaknightjob | Four Seasons Hotel Alexandria, Friday Afternoon

Thursday had been spent enjoying themselves as much as possible, including the couples massage which had proven a great way to wind down after some sight seeing.

Friday... Friday was quieter.

Steven sat outside by their pool. He was dressed in his swimsuit but he was currently sitting cross legged by the edge of the pool looking into the water.

Looking at his reflection. Which was his reflection.

Which was fine. Good. What Steven was for, of course. Handling things that were too much or too painful for Marc to deal with.

Still. It wasn't as though Steven liked dealing with it either.

Steven sighed and kept looking down towards the water, not sure what to do.

[for the beau. warning for discussion of parent death and child abuse]

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From:

pocketpretzels

"Ah," Watts nodded. "Yes. Having done that myself, to a degree, I can- empathize."

From:

hasaknightjob

"Howso?" Steven asked, looking at him with interest. He took a piece of melon to nibble on while he listened.

From:

pocketpretzels

"My memories of Clarissa," Watts said, picking up a grape and not eating it, just rolling it in his fingers. "I do not recall a lot of my childhood in detail, but I was certain- certain that she loved me. And then, as an adult, I found I was- mistaken."

From:

hasaknightjob

Steven watched him, listening carefully. "Do you feel you've accepted that now?"

From:

pocketpretzels

"Yes," Watts nodded. "I know the truth, and accept it for what it is. Though sometimes I do- find myself nostalgic for what I thought was the truth."

From:

hasaknightjob

"Do you feel you've let that younger version of you down?" Steven asked. "Accepting this as true?"

From:

pocketpretzels

"No," Watts shook his head. He looked at Steven carefully. "Is that how you feel?"

From:

hasaknightjob

"I feel... " Steven considered his words, trying to figure out how to articulate what were some nebulous emotions. "I feel like if I accept it, it means letting those memories go. Saying they don't mean anything. Which - I suppose they never should have. But they were real to me. Part of me. I don't know who I am without them."

From:

pocketpretzels

"Well, that's just it, isn't it?" Watts said, his tone thoughtful. "The memories that you know for certain are for real are the ones you've made after finding out what you are, correct?" he checked.

From:

hasaknightjob

"Correct," Steven said. He smiled ruefully. "At least as certain as I can be."

From:

pocketpretzels

"And yet, you existed before then," Watts pointed out. "You didn't grow from infancy to childhood, true, but you were a child, then a teener, and then an adult. You experienced things, events, that shaped who you are today. You may not remember them, or your memories may be- supplemented- by ones that your mind filled in. But you learned and you grew, just as anyone else."

From:

hasaknightjob

"But that's just it," Steven said. "I can't separate out what was real and what wasn't. And even if I could, what wasn't shaped me too. I grew up - I grew up with the belief I had a mother who loved me. How can I let that go?"

From:

pocketpretzels

"I don't know that you have to," Watts said. "At least, not entirely? As you said, it shaped you. Accepting it and letting it go aren't always the same thing."

From:

hasaknightjob

"Still feels like saying goodbye," Steven said. Not disputing Llewellyn's point, just sharing his further thoughts on the subject. "Did it feel like that for you? Your happy memories of your sister? That you said goodbye to them?"

From:

pocketpretzels

"It hurt," Watts said. "Reconciling the truth with what I'd believed all those years. Especially since," he smiled wryly. "I had, more or less, built my identity- my career- on the assumption that she was lost and would want me to find her."

Steven had seen Watts get wrapped up in obsession when it came to his piano practice, but that was nothing compared to his early years on the Constabulary, as a constable and then newly minted detective.

From:

hasaknightjob

"Do you still honor it though?" Steven asked. "Those memories? They shaped you too."

From:

pocketpretzels

"They are a part of me," Watts nodded.

From:

hasaknightjob

"I'm glad," Steven said. "They shaped who you are today. The man I found and fell in love with."

From:

pocketpretzels

"I am glad too," Watts smiled warmly at him. "My Gentleman Knight."

From:

hasaknightjob

Steven brushed his fingers against one of Llewellyn's curls. "My dearest detective."

From:

pocketpretzels

"I wish I could do more than- wax philosophical at you," Watts said, leaning in to that touch. "I hate that this hurts you so."

From:

hasaknightjob

"You are being helpful," Steven assured him. "You're giving me things to think about. A different way to frame it. I may not be able to do it right now but that doesn't mean it's not helping."